From an early age, we are told to "play it cool". . .But as we grow up, we realize that when we feel the need to be "cool" to keep someone interested, it usually means that we feel whateverButCool. It usually comes from insecurity or fear of rejection.
In today's new video, you'll learn how to best increase your appeal and invest without diminishing your value or rejecting you just for expressing your needs.
Start believing in your own worth.
learn more aboutMatthew Hussey's Virtual Retreat. . .
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Matthew:
One of the most common mistakes people make when they want to spend more time with someone is playing too much fun. Have you ever played too cool? Don't ask for anything, don't want to be demanding, don't want to torment someone because you're afraid that if you do, you will lose your worth in their eyes. Your value comes from calmness, indifference, ease, comfort, and if you suddenly start asking for what you really want, that person will leave.
Now before we proceed because I have a lot of good things to say in this video we need subscribers badly so we're going to put something for subscribers, button, click this button, click it now. Calm down, Martin. calm down. But seriously, please hit subscribe or I won't continue.
In the movie Gone Girl, there is a famous monologue in which she talks about being a cool girl. Men always say it's a defining compliment, right? She is a nice girl. Being a cool girl means I'm a hot, smart, funny woman who likes soccer, poker, dirty jokes and hiccups, plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, loves to stuff hot dogs and hamburgers into stomach in her mouth is like she's running the world's biggest culinary gangbang while keeping number two. Because cool girls are, above all, hot, hot, and empathetic. Cool girls never get mad. They would just smile lovingly in annoyance and let their man do whatever he wanted. start doing. fuck me. I have nothing against. I'm a cool girl.
Now, this monologue resonates for a reason because it really explains what so many women feel about their inability to be and stand for something that is everything. I have to be everything all the time. Not only do I need to be everything all the time, but I don't need anything in return because this monologue very, very well shows the complete imbalance between the extremes of giving everything, being everything, giving everything, and getting nothing. As with this type of container, you can use it for juicing, you don't have to do anything with it. This is the part I want to emphasize because I truly believe that real life, real relationships are more promising because the psychology of attraction has a hidden secret that is not revealed in this monologue.
Now I think there is a sense of security and I don't want to just say that nice girls can be nice guys, for people who date insecure are not enough or they need to try to catch someone. They have to work hard to prove their worth. Anyone in this situation can easily fall under the guise of a cool girl or a cool guy. Because it's a mask, because we really don't feel that cool. We care more than we behave. We really want more than we tell others we want, and things annoy and annoy us more than what we actually say. But it's a mask we put on because we think someone wants it. Doing this seems safe because it means that if I'm not asking for anything, if I'm not making it difficult for you, if I'm just pleasing you, you're less likely to say no, which is a typical mindset to please people. You still need me in your life until I ask for nothing and give you everything.
But also knowing that if someone refuses us, we can say: "And I didn't really ask for anything, so I wasn't rejected, I didn't ask for anything." protection, or at least we think about protection and security. The problem is that it's the other way around. It makes us more vulnerable to be taken advantage of by those who ignore us, give our best and give very little in return and just take us for granted, or by more despicable people who think it's the only one in life an opportunity to manipulate and exploit someone who will never be Someone who asks for something in return and just goes with the flow.
But there's another reason why being a laid-back, nonchalant person, someone who gives a lot and doesn't ask for anything, really destroys attraction. One of the things we need to understand about attractiveness is that for someone to be attractive, they have to feel like they care. The psychology of attraction that many people lack is that what makes us want something is an investment in something. It actually makes us care. It makes us want to pay more. Investing in something or someone makes us invest more. It gives us this drive.
One day Jameson and I found a dog in Los Angeles. It was at the end of the street and we were very careful not to name the dog as some of us knew we brought the dog home and gave it some. ..we made the mistake of cutting his hair because after cutting and shampooing him we started. We just invested a bit in this dog. I remember thinking that day that we didn't name the dog. We took him to the vet. We'll find out who it is and he'll stay there or be killed. No, I'll just say it has a happy ending. He wasn't killed because we posted on social media saying, "Anybody want this dog?" And one of our lovely exeswithdrawalParticipants said, "I'll take that dog." So he found a beautiful home, but at the time we didn't want to give it a name because it was a small investment.
We need to start letting this psychology work for us when it comes to our dating lives. We believe that by never allowing other people to invest or asking for anything, we somehow become an integral part of their lives. Oh, I'm just showing you my worth, but I'm not causing you any trouble either. Because if I ask, if I tell you what I want, if I let you come to my city, if I text you first, I can be seen as hard, obnoxious, overkill, too much work man, but you still need me as long as I hold back. But what really happens is that this person doesn't have the experience to invest in you. It makes us care.
Check out the people who are most obsessed with their cars. They are the ones who actually wash the cars, the ones who tinker with them, the ones who improve them. See how much this person cares about his car. Compare owning your own home to staying in a hotel room. When you leave a hotel room, do you think I have to keep it in such good condition because I really care what happens next to that hotel room? Or just go, I'm done. I'm leaving. And the house you buy even where you live is one tenth the size of the hotel room you rent and you love that house because you invested in it because it's yours because you've made improvements to it because you give it love and care and it makes that you take care of your home.
Why do we think this is different from our dating? The shocking, unexpected truth is that if we actually get them to invest in us, people care more about us, want to be with us more. While that doesn't mean someone we just met, we should be asking them for huge things. This means that we should be careful about ourselves and our behavior, because the pendulum swings the other way, because we are afraid and insecure. That's what cool girl and cool guy masks are all about.
So what is my message in this video? I hope we start to be a little braver less cool a little braver a little more honest a little less religious dare I say this when it comes to asking someone whatever it is and it may not seem like a request but okay is to text someone first because fuck them is what you want to do. If they don't write back or respond in a timely manner, well, you can direct your attention elsewhere, but don't pretend you're not interested in texting just because they haven't texted you already. Or ask them to be by your side on your next date if they've been closer to them in the last few dates, or tell them what you want to invest more.
I hope we will become more courageous in these matters. When we spend a lot of time playing, it's cool because it's really two versions of the same thing, right? If I'm really nice to you all the time and never ask for anything, that's a flattering version of the same insecurities. The cool thing is that I feel insecure and don't want to be rejected, but I see it as apathy. But I want us to realize that really good relationships can only be built when we have the courage to ask for what we want and learn to communicate, learn to calibrate.
If you like, I'd like to invite you to study with me because I'll be running a Virtual Retreat in June. For those of you who feel like it, you know? I don't stick to my standards. Here they learn how to do it from both a competence and confidence perspective. Competence is knowing how to communicate a standard and what to do when someone disagrees with that standard. It is knowing how to be confident and composed in moments where you feel the tension of norms to satisfy their desire for comfort or to do exactly what they want, which is not in line with how you want to be.
Dealing with these situations is one of the most amazing skills we can learn in life. Once we have it, it's like a superpower. You know this because you know that some people you admire are very good at figuring out what they want. They are very good at communicating their standards and don't communicate in an aggressive, offensive or harsh way. They do it in a way that feels bold and sexy, as if they are in control, which makes them attractive. The really interesting thing is that when we start to feel confident about what we want and confident enough to ask for it, that becomes a measure of our worth. Thus, the fact that we are confident enough to set standards and demand that our requirements be met will make others see our value and make us attractive. wow. If they are confident enough to meet that standard, they must have something about them. There must be something about this man. So you can even change the way others see you by sticking to the standard.
but another part of what we dovirtual retreatWe help people find their self-confidence. Competence is knowing how to communicate standards. Self-confidence is believing that you are worthy of this standard, that you will meet someone who will see this standard and want to meet it. I don't think all the time, but to scare them away. If I want more or ask for more, if I'm tough, they don't want me. We have them, and a lot of them are simply trauma, from times in our lives when we've been punished for being too demanding or when we've learned to calm down the people in our lives. We learn to be as important as we can, we learn to compete for someone's attention, we don't have healthy relationships growing up or early in our dating life. So we just never understood the importance of our value in this area.
while we arevirtual retreatI'm actually asking you to connect with your values, because when you connect with your values, you can actually do what I'm talking about in this video. You don't do it as soon as you see signs of nervousness in others or as soon as you see someone starting to withdraw, because that's the worst thing we can do when someone starts withdrawing, we violate our standards. I've been doing this for 15 years. For years, I see it many times a day in the people I work with.
So if you want to do three days with me in Junevirtual retreatthis is your chance. By the way, this is one of your last chances because it's just around the corner. when it's over, there's no othervirtual retreatThis year. If you miss it, you may miss another year of progress. I promise you that you can get all the dating advice I have in the world from these YouTube videos but until you know your worth and learn how to be strong in your standards and requirements and learn how to communicate them nothing will there will be a change. that's what we do togetherVirtual Retreat.link isMHVirtualRetreat.com website.Come and join us. I look forward to meeting you. Can't wait to spend these three days together and let me know what you think of this movie. See you later.